Update

So I know I haven't blogged in a while (not that anybody will have noticed that) and I do have plenty I can talk about right now. There is a forthcoming blog that will explain the intricacies of what has been going on in my life as of late. The crux of this blog will be the fact that I am going to the cardiologist today. I'll give you more info on that in this coming blog. So for my couple readers, please be praying for me and you'll be hearing more about it in the coming days.

Peace y'all!

I'm broken inside...

A lot of stuff has been going on in my life over the past couple weeks. Crappy crappy stuff. I can't write about everything that's happened because I'm not supposed to talk about it.

My favorite songs have been "I'm Not Alright" by Sanctus Real and "Stained Glass Masquerade" by Casting Crowns.

I don't feel like doing much of anything right now. My emotions feel completely drained. I'm starting to feel this overall numbness to everything I do. I know there are people around me that care about me. I found that out on my birthday this past year. There's just part of me that doesn't fully believe it. I feel like I'm falling into this pit of despair that I don't want to get out of. I feel like my attitude.......actions........emotions.......every bit of myself that I exude into this world is unrequited.

I feel extremely blessed to not have had to go through some of the things my friends have had to endure. To tell the truth, I envy them. I wish...........that some of the things that have happened to them WOULD happen to me...........so that I could know that people really do care. The Bible talks a lot about blessing through suffering; that we who persevere through trials are to receive a crown of life (James 2:12 NASB). I'm not even thinking about a crown. I just want to feel..........something.

I've always felt like there's something wrong with me, medically. I'm pretty sure I'm ADHD. I don't mean that like when everyone says they might be "a little ADD" or something like that. I'm fairly certain I actually have adult Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. I've also had this feeling there's something wrong with my heart. I get these stabbing chest pains every now and then. It happened last week when playing volleyball after Bible study on Sunday night. I don't know what it could be and I don't know what to do. Honestly, I want it to be serious. Small heart attacks maybe....?

My body's clock and balance are way screwed up. I haven't been awake and outside in full daylight since Sunday. I've been getting up in the twilight hours and going to bed, but not falling asleep, until close to sunrise. It is now almost 11pm and I still haven't eaten anything today. Out of the past two weeks, I've had TWO days where I've had more than one meal. That doesn't count midnight meals at Denny's. I might as well be a vampire. (I'm reading "Eclipse", love it!)

I'm not gonna be in school much longer. I will probably be dropping out of Biola within a couple of weeks. I haven't been to a class in two weeks (sleep problem above). I can't see school helping me much right now.

I need to get a job. I applied to work at Disneyland but my interview isn't until March 27th. I need the money for my next problem.

I have to move out. My parents said at the end of last semester that I have to find my own place to live at the end of this semester. Who knows how that's gonna change when I drop out? I have a plan with my friends to rent a house together, but we all need steady jobs and cash flow. It's also gonna take coordination; it can't just happen.

I've been feeling very dead and I might as well be. Hanging out with my friends is the only thing that's allowing me to keep my sanity. It may not sound right to say, but God is not enough. He is not comforting me right now. I can't say that I'm mad at Him. Part of my life was spent being a very superficial Christian and I can't say I blame Him. Satan is at work around me........and that scares me. Scared because of what more he might do to me........or make me do to myself. I don't want to take the coward's way out........

I wish I didn't have siblings that looked up to me. They deserve so much better than what I've shown them. I pray that they do everything they can NOT to be like me. I pray they continue to love the same God I know loves me. I wish so much to be in His presence right now..........

Persistence pays off?

I was recently led to this blog by a friend and have enjoyed some of the insights given.

http://repairerofthebreach.wordpress.com/2009/01/08/why-god-blesses-people-of-persistence/

This most recent post particularly speaks to me as it has been something I have been struggling with as of late. I know Yahweh has something planned for my life and I can't help but wonder what He's waiting for. I'm more ready than I've ever been for a change in my life; at least, that's what I've gotten from my soul-searching.

CAUTION: COMPLETE HONESTY AHEAD. DON'T TAKE THIS LYING DOWN. :)

I want to move out.....I need to move out.....I have to move out. My parents told me I need to find a place by June. I don't have a job yet but I'm working toward my career, finally. It's hard to look for a place when you don't know how much money you're gonna be taking in. I have so much on my mind right now too:

- I have people that want to hang out with me or that I want to hang out with cause I haven't in awhile. I also have a friend or two that I have to find time to meet so I can return items to them.

- I have things I need to take care of for school, this semester and next year.

1. I'm sick, and once I'm well I have to go back to Biola's Health Center to complete my
required entrance physical.

2. I have to finish my chapel make-ups before I can finish registering for my classes.

3. I need to get my application for next year out soon; I won't be at Biola next year :( .

4. Nothing I really need to do or anything I'm really worried about anymore but I just wanna
get this out for those of you interested in how my 1st semester at Biola went. I failed all of
my classes except for one, Psychology. At least it'll transfer as a GE requirement.

- I need to get to work on my Apple certification training.

- I have computers and things of that nature that I need to work on and get moved out of my room.

- I need to organize and clean up my room.

- I have stuff I need to get up on eBay to finally sell and get rid of. Eventually I'll get up a list of my stuff that I'm selling, maybe with links and pictures. I have stuff that little kids, pre-teens and even some teens and adults might enjoy (Pokemon or Yu-gi-Oh! cards anyone?).

- I need to look for a place. I want/need to move out with friends otherwise I'm not gonna be able to afford it or I'll end up living off credit, which is the last thing I want to end up doing.

- I'm concerned there might be something seriously wrong with my health. I've told my parents about this for a couple years and my dad just tells me it's a family thing and it's nothing to worry about. Doctors haven't said that it's anything. How are sharp, stabbing chest pains nothing to worry about? I'm not paranoid; I just want it to stop. Quite frankly, I want there to be something seriously wrong with me cause that would explain things.

- Along with my health problems, my sleeping habits are totally screwed up. I've been reading Twilight (which btw, I've been loving reading), and I think I'm becoming a vampire. All kidding aside though, most of my sleep has been taking place during the daylight hours. I fall asleep when it's getting lighter and wake up when its just about dark. I'm trying to change this but its difficult. This awkward sleep schedule creates problems with eating habits and in getting things done. It isn't very often, maybe 2-3 times a week, that I have more than one meal a day at a normal hour (meaning 2am meals don't count).

- For this problem I'll only name 2 songs and the rest is up to you:
1. "I'm Only Me When I'm With You" by Taylor Swift
2. "Hey There Delilah" by Plain White T's

- I also need to find a job. I've never let money be something that I worry about. I'm very firm in my belief that my Father will always provide for me and, so far, He hasn't let me down. The economy as it is now hasn't really changed my philosophy. Money is one of the reasons I'm not returning to Biola next year. I just need a steady flow of income. Unless His plan is for me to win the lottery lol.


I don't think I forgot anything in there. I'm so stressed right now and I need help. I don't know what I'm gonna do for some of these things. Some of my solutions are preliminary, some seem drastic; yet I'm very seriously considering them. I need someone to help guide me through this time in my life. There's a song I've been listening to lately and I love how it reminds me of Who will always be there for me. The song is "You're Not Alone" by Meredith Andrews. He's been here to help wipe away my tears. I still need someone to walk alongside me, to hold me accountable. I pray and pray and I'll continue to pray. Just as Yahshua says: "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened."-Matthew 7:7-8. So apparently persistence does pay off. And if you read this long post then you're very persistent as well. :)

Advice? Help?

Nervous....

So I'm leaving in approximately 29 and a half hours to go to Mexico for the weekend and I'm worried about my fantasy football team.

(What did you think this was about?)

I should have a decently easy week but I'm nevertheless nervous about a couple of my choices. Here's a look at my starting lineup as of right now:

QB- Kurt Warner
RB- Frank Gore
RB- Marshawn Lynch
WR- Larry Fitzgerald
WR- Roddy White
WR- Antonio Bryant
TE- Kellen Winslow
K- Robbie Gould
D- Chris Gamble
D- Charles Tillman
DB- Josh Wilson
DB- Allen Rossum
DL- James Farrior
DL- Stewart Bradley

Looks pretty good right? The ones I'm kinda iffy on are Lynch, Bryant, and one of my defensive spots. Here's what my bench looks like:

RB- Tim Hightower, Jerious Norwood
WR- Anthony Gonzalez, T.J. Houshmandzadeh
D- Dhani Jones, D.J. Williams

I know that Williams is out for a couple more weeks so he isn't an option. I'm just not sure how good of a game Jones can have against the Eagles' offense. Bradley should have an amazing game against that terrible Bengals offense and Farrior also against a less than decent Chargers offensive line. Gamble and Tillman are locks as well on defense. Wilson and Rossum are their teams' kick returners and have had good games as of late. Wilson is facing a Cardinals special teams unit that gave up the return for a touchdown by Rossum on Monday night. Are either of them worth benching for Jones?

On the offensive side, Warner and Fitzgerald are locks for a huge game against a shoddy Seahawks defense. Roddy White should have fun with a terrible, injury-laden Broncos secondary. Gore should run all over the Rams (sorry Jackie!). Winslow is practically a lock for a big game against the Bills. Gould's just a kicker. But Marshawn Lynch has not had a 100-yard game this year; yet, he came close earlier this year against the Browns. Bryant has been hot lately and is facing a middle-ground Vikings defense. Norwood could have a good game against Denver as could Hightower against the Seahawks also terrible defense. But Norwood has to play behind Michael Turner and compete with White for catches. Hightower is now the starter for the Cardinals and has already tied their franchise record for TDs by a rookie (7). T.J. probably won't have a good outing against an amazing Philadelphia defense, though he did have a respectable game a couple weeks ago against a good Steelers defense. Gonzalez could have a good game against the Texans middle-ground defense now that Peyton is finally waking up but even that is iffy. Should I sit Bryant and Lynch, and if so, for who?

What should I do guys? Send me your thoughts....

I've had enough!!!!

I really have.

I'm tired of hearing about this election. I know it's gonna carry on for at least another day or three, but I've had it! I'm tired of hearing about how I should or shouldn't vote. I did not like the fact that Pastor Dave gave that little speech on Sunday about Prop 8. I thought it was tacky and out of place in church, which is why I walked out and paid no attention at all. I mailed in my absentee ballot 2 weeks ago and essentially tuned out to the ads. I didn't particularly like the Yes on Prop 8 ads simply because I think it's dispicable to use children in political ads. It's a low brow stratagem that takes advantage of the weak-minded. If we could pass an amendment against that, I'd be the first one on that wagon. I'm tired of politics altogether. I disagree with the policy of "calling" states. How can you declare a state "won" when only 15% of the votes have been accounted for or in the case of California when it's right after the polls close? They hadn't declared a winner on the propositions, yet 40% of precincts had reported in. It's a double standard. I haven't liked this particular election though. I don't like what it has done to me. I'm tired of the division of this country; look what it's done to The View:
Let's just get back to business as usual. I don't even care much anymore about the results.

I have my reasons for how I voted and I don't want to talk about them anymore. It was my own fault for displaying publicly what is supposed to be a private matter. If you have a problem with how I voted though, take it up with ME directly! Don't feed the Calvary Church gossip hounds! Don't go to my PARENTS with your problem with MY vote! They may have raised me but my views differ somewhat from theirs. I AM NOT MY PARENTS!!! I am a unique individual with my own ability to think and decide for myself. This is not a crack at my parents though; I have the utmost respect for them and their views. I just think a person with a 157 IQ, college level education and 22 years of life experience has the ability, and right, to choose how he views certain things about this life we live.

God Bless America and God Bless President Obama! I look forward to an interesting 4 years.

Kobe sings

Check out this awesome video. Kobe's new talent:

Senator sues God

A friend of mine posted this on his blog and it made me laugh. This guy makes a great point, but what can we do about it? Check out the article and let me know what you think:

http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/10/15/suing.god.ap/index.html