So I know I haven't blogged in a while (not that anybody will have noticed that) and I do have plenty I can talk about right now. There is a forthcoming blog that will explain the intricacies of what has been going on in my life as of late. The crux of this blog will be the fact that I am going to the cardiologist today. I'll give you more info on that in this coming blog. So for my couple readers, please be praying for me and you'll be hearing more about it in the coming days.
Peace y'all!
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Friday, February 27, 2009
I'm broken inside...
A lot of stuff has been going on in my life over the past couple weeks. Crappy crappy stuff. I can't write about everything that's happened because I'm not supposed to talk about it.
My favorite songs have been "I'm Not Alright" by Sanctus Real and "Stained Glass Masquerade" by Casting Crowns.
I don't feel like doing much of anything right now. My emotions feel completely drained. I'm starting to feel this overall numbness to everything I do. I know there are people around me that care about me. I found that out on my birthday this past year. There's just part of me that doesn't fully believe it. I feel like I'm falling into this pit of despair that I don't want to get out of. I feel like my attitude.......actions........emotions.......every bit of myself that I exude into this world is unrequited.
I feel extremely blessed to not have had to go through some of the things my friends have had to endure. To tell the truth, I envy them. I wish...........that some of the things that have happened to them WOULD happen to me...........so that I could know that people really do care. The Bible talks a lot about blessing through suffering; that we who persevere through trials are to receive a crown of life (James 2:12 NASB). I'm not even thinking about a crown. I just want to feel..........something.
I've always felt like there's something wrong with me, medically. I'm pretty sure I'm ADHD. I don't mean that like when everyone says they might be "a little ADD" or something like that. I'm fairly certain I actually have adult Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. I've also had this feeling there's something wrong with my heart. I get these stabbing chest pains every now and then. It happened last week when playing volleyball after Bible study on Sunday night. I don't know what it could be and I don't know what to do. Honestly, I want it to be serious. Small heart attacks maybe....?
My body's clock and balance are way screwed up. I haven't been awake and outside in full daylight since Sunday. I've been getting up in the twilight hours and going to bed, but not falling asleep, until close to sunrise. It is now almost 11pm and I still haven't eaten anything today. Out of the past two weeks, I've had TWO days where I've had more than one meal. That doesn't count midnight meals at Denny's. I might as well be a vampire. (I'm reading "Eclipse", love it!)
I'm not gonna be in school much longer. I will probably be dropping out of Biola within a couple of weeks. I haven't been to a class in two weeks (sleep problem above). I can't see school helping me much right now.
I need to get a job. I applied to work at Disneyland but my interview isn't until March 27th. I need the money for my next problem.
I have to move out. My parents said at the end of last semester that I have to find my own place to live at the end of this semester. Who knows how that's gonna change when I drop out? I have a plan with my friends to rent a house together, but we all need steady jobs and cash flow. It's also gonna take coordination; it can't just happen.
I've been feeling very dead and I might as well be. Hanging out with my friends is the only thing that's allowing me to keep my sanity. It may not sound right to say, but God is not enough. He is not comforting me right now. I can't say that I'm mad at Him. Part of my life was spent being a very superficial Christian and I can't say I blame Him. Satan is at work around me........and that scares me. Scared because of what more he might do to me........or make me do to myself. I don't want to take the coward's way out........
I wish I didn't have siblings that looked up to me. They deserve so much better than what I've shown them. I pray that they do everything they can NOT to be like me. I pray they continue to love the same God I know loves me. I wish so much to be in His presence right now..........
My favorite songs have been "I'm Not Alright" by Sanctus Real and "Stained Glass Masquerade" by Casting Crowns.
I don't feel like doing much of anything right now. My emotions feel completely drained. I'm starting to feel this overall numbness to everything I do. I know there are people around me that care about me. I found that out on my birthday this past year. There's just part of me that doesn't fully believe it. I feel like I'm falling into this pit of despair that I don't want to get out of. I feel like my attitude.......actions........emotions.......every bit of myself that I exude into this world is unrequited.
I feel extremely blessed to not have had to go through some of the things my friends have had to endure. To tell the truth, I envy them. I wish...........that some of the things that have happened to them WOULD happen to me...........so that I could know that people really do care. The Bible talks a lot about blessing through suffering; that we who persevere through trials are to receive a crown of life (James 2:12 NASB). I'm not even thinking about a crown. I just want to feel..........something.
I've always felt like there's something wrong with me, medically. I'm pretty sure I'm ADHD. I don't mean that like when everyone says they might be "a little ADD" or something like that. I'm fairly certain I actually have adult Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. I've also had this feeling there's something wrong with my heart. I get these stabbing chest pains every now and then. It happened last week when playing volleyball after Bible study on Sunday night. I don't know what it could be and I don't know what to do. Honestly, I want it to be serious. Small heart attacks maybe....?
My body's clock and balance are way screwed up. I haven't been awake and outside in full daylight since Sunday. I've been getting up in the twilight hours and going to bed, but not falling asleep, until close to sunrise. It is now almost 11pm and I still haven't eaten anything today. Out of the past two weeks, I've had TWO days where I've had more than one meal. That doesn't count midnight meals at Denny's. I might as well be a vampire. (I'm reading "Eclipse", love it!)
I'm not gonna be in school much longer. I will probably be dropping out of Biola within a couple of weeks. I haven't been to a class in two weeks (sleep problem above). I can't see school helping me much right now.
I need to get a job. I applied to work at Disneyland but my interview isn't until March 27th. I need the money for my next problem.
I have to move out. My parents said at the end of last semester that I have to find my own place to live at the end of this semester. Who knows how that's gonna change when I drop out? I have a plan with my friends to rent a house together, but we all need steady jobs and cash flow. It's also gonna take coordination; it can't just happen.
I've been feeling very dead and I might as well be. Hanging out with my friends is the only thing that's allowing me to keep my sanity. It may not sound right to say, but God is not enough. He is not comforting me right now. I can't say that I'm mad at Him. Part of my life was spent being a very superficial Christian and I can't say I blame Him. Satan is at work around me........and that scares me. Scared because of what more he might do to me........or make me do to myself. I don't want to take the coward's way out........
I wish I didn't have siblings that looked up to me. They deserve so much better than what I've shown them. I pray that they do everything they can NOT to be like me. I pray they continue to love the same God I know loves me. I wish so much to be in His presence right now..........
Friday, January 9, 2009
Persistence pays off?
I was recently led to this blog by a friend and have enjoyed some of the insights given.
http://repairerofthebreach.wordpress.com/2009/01/08/why-god-blesses-people-of-persistence/
This most recent post particularly speaks to me as it has been something I have been struggling with as of late. I know Yahweh has something planned for my life and I can't help but wonder what He's waiting for. I'm more ready than I've ever been for a change in my life; at least, that's what I've gotten from my soul-searching.
CAUTION: COMPLETE HONESTY AHEAD. DON'T TAKE THIS LYING DOWN. :)
I want to move out.....I need to move out.....I have to move out. My parents told me I need to find a place by June. I don't have a job yet but I'm working toward my career, finally. It's hard to look for a place when you don't know how much money you're gonna be taking in. I have so much on my mind right now too:
- I have people that want to hang out with me or that I want to hang out with cause I haven't in awhile. I also have a friend or two that I have to find time to meet so I can return items to them.
- I have things I need to take care of for school, this semester and next year.
1. I'm sick, and once I'm well I have to go back to Biola's Health Center to complete my
required entrance physical.
2. I have to finish my chapel make-ups before I can finish registering for my classes.
3. I need to get my application for next year out soon; I won't be at Biola next year :( .
4. Nothing I really need to do or anything I'm really worried about anymore but I just wanna
get this out for those of you interested in how my 1st semester at Biola went. I failed all of
my classes except for one, Psychology. At least it'll transfer as a GE requirement.
- I need to get to work on my Apple certification training.
- I have computers and things of that nature that I need to work on and get moved out of my room.
- I need to organize and clean up my room.
- I have stuff I need to get up on eBay to finally sell and get rid of. Eventually I'll get up a list of my stuff that I'm selling, maybe with links and pictures. I have stuff that little kids, pre-teens and even some teens and adults might enjoy (Pokemon or Yu-gi-Oh! cards anyone?).
- I need to look for a place. I want/need to move out with friends otherwise I'm not gonna be able to afford it or I'll end up living off credit, which is the last thing I want to end up doing.
- I'm concerned there might be something seriously wrong with my health. I've told my parents about this for a couple years and my dad just tells me it's a family thing and it's nothing to worry about. Doctors haven't said that it's anything. How are sharp, stabbing chest pains nothing to worry about? I'm not paranoid; I just want it to stop. Quite frankly, I want there to be something seriously wrong with me cause that would explain things.
- Along with my health problems, my sleeping habits are totally screwed up. I've been reading Twilight (which btw, I've been loving reading), and I think I'm becoming a vampire. All kidding aside though, most of my sleep has been taking place during the daylight hours. I fall asleep when it's getting lighter and wake up when its just about dark. I'm trying to change this but its difficult. This awkward sleep schedule creates problems with eating habits and in getting things done. It isn't very often, maybe 2-3 times a week, that I have more than one meal a day at a normal hour (meaning 2am meals don't count).
- For this problem I'll only name 2 songs and the rest is up to you:
1. "I'm Only Me When I'm With You" by Taylor Swift
2. "Hey There Delilah" by Plain White T's
- I also need to find a job. I've never let money be something that I worry about. I'm very firm in my belief that my Father will always provide for me and, so far, He hasn't let me down. The economy as it is now hasn't really changed my philosophy. Money is one of the reasons I'm not returning to Biola next year. I just need a steady flow of income. Unless His plan is for me to win the lottery lol.
I don't think I forgot anything in there. I'm so stressed right now and I need help. I don't know what I'm gonna do for some of these things. Some of my solutions are preliminary, some seem drastic; yet I'm very seriously considering them. I need someone to help guide me through this time in my life. There's a song I've been listening to lately and I love how it reminds me of Who will always be there for me. The song is "You're Not Alone" by Meredith Andrews. He's been here to help wipe away my tears. I still need someone to walk alongside me, to hold me accountable. I pray and pray and I'll continue to pray. Just as Yahshua says: "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened."-Matthew 7:7-8. So apparently persistence does pay off. And if you read this long post then you're very persistent as well. :)
Advice? Help?
http://repairerofthebreach.wordpress.com/2009/01/08/why-god-blesses-people-of-persistence/
This most recent post particularly speaks to me as it has been something I have been struggling with as of late. I know Yahweh has something planned for my life and I can't help but wonder what He's waiting for. I'm more ready than I've ever been for a change in my life; at least, that's what I've gotten from my soul-searching.
CAUTION: COMPLETE HONESTY AHEAD. DON'T TAKE THIS LYING DOWN. :)
I want to move out.....I need to move out.....I have to move out. My parents told me I need to find a place by June. I don't have a job yet but I'm working toward my career, finally. It's hard to look for a place when you don't know how much money you're gonna be taking in. I have so much on my mind right now too:
- I have people that want to hang out with me or that I want to hang out with cause I haven't in awhile. I also have a friend or two that I have to find time to meet so I can return items to them.
- I have things I need to take care of for school, this semester and next year.
1. I'm sick, and once I'm well I have to go back to Biola's Health Center to complete my
required entrance physical.
2. I have to finish my chapel make-ups before I can finish registering for my classes.
3. I need to get my application for next year out soon; I won't be at Biola next year :( .
4. Nothing I really need to do or anything I'm really worried about anymore but I just wanna
get this out for those of you interested in how my 1st semester at Biola went. I failed all of
my classes except for one, Psychology. At least it'll transfer as a GE requirement.
- I need to get to work on my Apple certification training.
- I have computers and things of that nature that I need to work on and get moved out of my room.
- I need to organize and clean up my room.
- I have stuff I need to get up on eBay to finally sell and get rid of. Eventually I'll get up a list of my stuff that I'm selling, maybe with links and pictures. I have stuff that little kids, pre-teens and even some teens and adults might enjoy (Pokemon or Yu-gi-Oh! cards anyone?).
- I need to look for a place. I want/need to move out with friends otherwise I'm not gonna be able to afford it or I'll end up living off credit, which is the last thing I want to end up doing.
- I'm concerned there might be something seriously wrong with my health. I've told my parents about this for a couple years and my dad just tells me it's a family thing and it's nothing to worry about. Doctors haven't said that it's anything. How are sharp, stabbing chest pains nothing to worry about? I'm not paranoid; I just want it to stop. Quite frankly, I want there to be something seriously wrong with me cause that would explain things.
- Along with my health problems, my sleeping habits are totally screwed up. I've been reading Twilight (which btw, I've been loving reading), and I think I'm becoming a vampire. All kidding aside though, most of my sleep has been taking place during the daylight hours. I fall asleep when it's getting lighter and wake up when its just about dark. I'm trying to change this but its difficult. This awkward sleep schedule creates problems with eating habits and in getting things done. It isn't very often, maybe 2-3 times a week, that I have more than one meal a day at a normal hour (meaning 2am meals don't count).
- For this problem I'll only name 2 songs and the rest is up to you:
1. "I'm Only Me When I'm With You" by Taylor Swift
2. "Hey There Delilah" by Plain White T's
- I also need to find a job. I've never let money be something that I worry about. I'm very firm in my belief that my Father will always provide for me and, so far, He hasn't let me down. The economy as it is now hasn't really changed my philosophy. Money is one of the reasons I'm not returning to Biola next year. I just need a steady flow of income. Unless His plan is for me to win the lottery lol.
I don't think I forgot anything in there. I'm so stressed right now and I need help. I don't know what I'm gonna do for some of these things. Some of my solutions are preliminary, some seem drastic; yet I'm very seriously considering them. I need someone to help guide me through this time in my life. There's a song I've been listening to lately and I love how it reminds me of Who will always be there for me. The song is "You're Not Alone" by Meredith Andrews. He's been here to help wipe away my tears. I still need someone to walk alongside me, to hold me accountable. I pray and pray and I'll continue to pray. Just as Yahshua says: "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened."-Matthew 7:7-8. So apparently persistence does pay off. And if you read this long post then you're very persistent as well. :)
Advice? Help?
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